by Pastor Lee Hemen
April 14, 2008

Tell the righteous it will be well with them, for they will enjoy the fruit of their deeds. (Isaiah 3:10)

Zetaman Portrait
God Hates Zetaman

In a world where it seems as if evil is rewarded and the ungodly go unpunished those who live godly lives will wonder, “Why do these people seem to prosper when everything I do goes unnoticed?” Yet if we look closely at where this little verse of Isaiah’s is placed we discover that he put it in between the shame and disgrace of Jerusalem and Judah as they staggered from their ungodliness and the wicked. Even the young people and women of that era were living in flagrant ungodliness. Sounds strangely familiar to our day and age where teenagers beat up classmates to get on the Web, and every other protest is lead by some deprived or depraved female wanting to assert her authority or proclivity in our faces.

How should the people of God live? God says, “Tell the righteous it will be well with them, for they will enjoy the fruits of their deeds.” Cynically someone related, “No good deed goes unpunished.” However, God says it is rewarded if it is done out of righteousness, meaning holy integrity.

Today as I drove to an early morning prayer time, I overheard on the radio that there was a person who took on the persona of a “super hero” in order to handout gloves, coats, and jackets to the homeless living under the bridges of Portland, OR. As they interviewed him, he seemed like an okay guy but the reasoning behind his wearing a superhero disguise, “Zetaman” I believe, and why he desired to do these “good deeds,” smacked of personal self-gratification. He goes armed with an extendable steel baton, pepper spray, and a Taser that delivers 30,000 volts—enough to put a man on the ground. Those tools of the trade are to “defend” himself or people in trouble. He admits being a costumed avenger is addictive after the first taste of parading in public with a “Z” on your chest.

“I couldn’t stop after that,” he says. “I feel great about myself. I’m staying active in the community. And I like comic books, I like great and noble ideas—like He-Man and Spider-Man. And they all have this thing about noble responsibility.” Hmmm… therefore are we to conclude that he did it disguised so that people would only know it was his “superhero” persona that did the deeds and he really did not want any credit? I do not think so.

I am sorry but I found this kind of odd because to me it sounded like selfish guilt wrapped in false humility. If he truly wanted to remain anonymous, why wear a superhero get up, with a mask, and a cape? He is part of a small but growing group of self-proclaimed do-gooders that act out their fantasies of being superheroes while trying to be altruistic.

There are literally millions of “superheroes,” His chosen, that God uses everyday and they never have to go out in disguise to do something gracious for the Lord. And if I remember correctly didn’t Jesus say that if you do it in order to get a personal stroking of any kind, that is the whole reward you receive? I hate those bumper stickers that say, “Do a random act of kindness.” Kindness should never be “random.” It should be God-directed where it brings the most good and glory to the Lord. Therefore child of God never feel sorry because your good deed went unnoticed. God saw it and received the glory for it, if you did it as a means of worshipping Him. Never do something “random,” do it deliberately for His glory as He directs you. You are His superhero!

By Hugo Manning

ROSE CITY- A strange flying ship was seen over Rose City earlier today. The U.S. government claims to have been conducting a test of a new satellite for monitoring extra-terrestrial activity. Rose City’s team of scientific advisers, Science Hero Academy Quintet, were asked about the satellite. “We, the scientist of S.H.A.Q., cannot verify the claims of the U.S. Government,” said noted robotics expert, Doctor Ivan Atomickolov. “We urge our local and state officials to demand better transparency from our national military and the federal government.”

The flying ship later exploded in the stratosphere. Although Dr. Atomick (Atomickolov) cannot explain why a low-orbit satellite would be combusted, he offered these explanations-

“The fuel used to power such a satellite must have ignited while the machine approached our atmosphere. A space vehicle descending from space, without proper heat shielding, would burn up. Fire from the satellite’s hull could have reached the fuel source.”

Government officials deny the satellite was to be used for the N.S.A. or spying on foreign allies. The U.N. launched a private investigation. If it is found that the satellite was designed for operations other than space exploration, the U.N. will begin proceedings to charge the United States with privacy crimes.

Local real-life superhero, Zetaman, offered an explanation of the craft’s origin. “It was aliens,” proclaimed Zetaman. “Aliens came down and tried to take over the Earth. The Alternates stopped them for good.”

Doctor Atomick and the White House denounced the RLSH’s claims as “ridiculous” and “the theories of a man seeking attention.”

Local musicians and costume activists work together as a team in a Christmas mission for foster children.

Kirkland, Washington ( PRWEB) December 13 — Vinyl Fluid Records music store and Zetaman, the hero of Rose City, have organized a charity concert.

Live music will be performed by Little Big Man, Project Lionheart, and other local artists.

Vinyl Fluid Records have procured sponsorship from local business like Valve (a gaming store) and Body Boutique as well as corporate support from restaurants like Claim Jumper and Outback Steak House in the form of gift certificates and other prizes which will be used in a raffle to help raise additional funds. The proceeds from Operation: Treehouse will be used to buy much-needed toys which will then be given to the Treehouse to be distributed to foster kids.

Operation: Treehouse has put together a website with more information at http://www.operationtreehouse.info. Contact information, as well as information about the event, is located there.

For more information about the event, please contact Shawn “Story” Hendricks at email: storywon@msn.com or Zetaman at email: zetaman@thealternates.org

Five on Five Poster

DJ’s spinning music for sports equipment

Vinyl Fluid Records, along with the Alternates, are producing a concert to benefit the Boys and Girls Club. Five of the Northwest hottest DJ’s will be playing 5 hours of music for an admission price of 5 dollars.

Vinyl Fluid Records, an online music store, is hosting a concert to benefit the Boys and Girls Club. With the help of a local community advocacy group, the Alternates, they will be raising money as well as sporting goods equipment for the youth.

Five of the hottest northwest DJ’s will be spinning five hours of music at the Liquid Lime. Admission price is $5.00. Proceeds will be given to help fund programs and equipment for the Boys and Girls Club. The concert will be also featuring an auction for prizes graciously donated by local businesses. And boxes will be step up to receive donations in the form of sporting goods equipment as well as monetary donations.

About Vinyl Fluid Records – VFR is a small online music store dedicated to the challenge of keeping physical formats of music (i.e. vinyl, cd’s, etc.) alive and obtainable.

About the Alternates- The Alternates are a regional based group of costumed social activists.

ROSE CITY — The man exposed as The Black Knight, Real Life Superhero, has been arrested.

Joshua Stone was booked into the Multnomah County jail Tuesday night. Rose City Police arrested Stone for stalking, which is a misdemeanor crime.

According to prosecutors, the Multnomah County District Attorney’s office decided not to file charges at this time. They can reconsider later.

Stone has been released from jail.

“There was not enough evidence to proceed with the incidents of stalking that were reported to us,” explained Matthew Hall, a deputy district attorney in Multnomah County.

Stone is also trying to change his name. He filed court papers in Yamhill County on Tuesday, requesting that a judge allow him to legally change his name from Joshua Stone to Maxwell P. Gigglebottoms.

A hearing has been scheduled for February 15 to consider the change.

Stone claimed he was a Real Life Superhero; a member of the team, The Alternates. The Alternates released Stone after the arrest and disbanded the team.

The U.S. Department of Defense, in coordination with the Rose City Costumed Crazies Division, are investigating the matter.

A Totally Naked Man
Picture of the man in question

By Bill “The Mouse” Bailey

ROSE CITY- A naked man stopped a robbery in Downtown Rose City on Friday Night.

An officer first spotted the orange-haired man, without his clothes, running toward a robbery in progress at Pioneer Courthouse Square around 6 pm. The individual stopped a would be the robber, Jason Grumblebum, as he attempted to steal money from a couple at gunpoint.

After the naked man beat down Mr. Grumblebum, he ran off down the street, singing a Laura Branigan song. The officer tried using a stun gun to subdue the naked man but the stun gun malfunction.

The robber, Mr. Grumble, was taken into custody for the attempted robbery.

This is not the first time a totally naked man was found stopping criminal activity in Rose City. The police have cited the man with disorderly conduct and interfering with a peace officer but have yet to discover the identity of the nude crime stopper.

Alternates Logo

By Zetaman

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I am officially disbanding the Alternates team. I am very sad to do this. Due to current personality and moral conflicts, the Alternates team cannot function as a team. I accept full responsibility for the failure on my part to continue on. I no longer have the will or desire to seek out RLSH in the northwest area.

To the former Alternates team, good luck in the decisions you are making and will make in your life. I hope good things happen to you.

-Zetaman of Rose City

For more information about Real Life Superheroes, please visit reallifesuperheroes.info.

Shawn the Pizza Bandit
Suspect in question

By Beef Wellington

ROSE CITY- Rose City Police are seeking a man and woman suspected of robbing several pizza eateries in the Old Town District.

The latest robbery took place at the Old Town Pizza on NW Davis. around 2:35 p.m. where the couple entered and made off with dozens of pizzas.

The male suspect is described as a man in his early 20s, between 5 feet, 7 inches and to 8 inches, with a medium build, short brown hair, sunglasses, and in a gray steamer suit with a cape. The woman suspect is described as a woman in his early 20s, between 5 feet, 4 inches to 6 inches, with a thin build, black hair, sunglasses, in a black swat vest, and black combat pants and boots.

Anyone with information about these series of robberies is asked to contact Det. William Rail at 503-867-5309, will.rail@rose-city.net; or to contact the Rose City office of the FBI at 503-555-6792. 

Superhero the superhero
Superhero the superhero

By Tom Hortorwiz

CLEARWATER- An illegal Talking Teddy Bear trade was stopped today by Superhero, the superhero. Armed with his airsoft pistols and 9 mm handgun, Superhero combated shady and armed dock workers single handled. No one else assisted Superhero in his efforts.

“As long Superhero stands, there will not be another Ruxpin War,” proclaimed Superhero. “It is my civic duty to clean up the streets of illegal talking bears… with extreme violence.”

Several dock workers were shot in the kneecaps but there were no fatalities. Police arrived on the scene moments later. There was very little evidence to indicate who orchestrated the illegal trade. However, Clearwater police consider The Opossum as the primary suspect.

Talking teddy bears became illegal after the underground Teddy Ruxpin wars of 1997. Several toy companies attempted to cash in on the fad by creating compatible tapes. The competition escalated into street brawls and eventually into cor the orate gang wars. The City of Industry, CA, was the first city to fall prey to corporate gang violence. To this day, the city remains a wasteland of factories in rubble and charred teddy bears. The U.S. government, in conjecture with the State of California, official declared The City of Industry a No Man’s Land.

tom@clearwatergazette.com

By Sexton Hardcastle

ROSE CITY- Pepper Gold, world’s greatest superhero, will be holding trials for superheroes to join The superhero squad of superheroes movement. “ALL SUPERHEROES MUST BE APPROVED BY PEPPER GOLD,” yelled Pepper Gold. “ HOW ELSE IS THE PUBLIC GOING TO TRUST SUPERHEROES IF THEY DO NOT HAVE THE PEPPER GOLD STAMP OF APPROVAL?”

Pepper Gold is generously lending his approval to sanction superheroes to build trust in our nation’s defenders. Each potential member has to go through a rigorous Q and A session with Pepper Gold.

Afterwards, each member will be required to pay dues to maintain their membership status. The membership dues are used to pay for crime fighting equipment and body armor. Although current members have yet to see the money spent on the team, Pepper Gold assures them (and the media) that “ALL OF THE MONEY HAS BEEN INVESTED WISELY. THE BODY ARMOR AND NEW GEAR IS JUST TAKING A BIT BE CONSTRUCTED.”

Universium
Giant invades Rose City

By Sheila Teafeathers

ROSE CITY- In a very daring and heroic display of heroism, Pepper Gold fought off a monstrous giant intent on destroying Rose City. “I FOUGHT HIM OFF WITH PEPPER SPRAY,” proclaims the leader of The Super Squad of Superheroes Movement. “IT WAS VERY HARD, BUT THE GIANT RAN AWAY.”

Earlier that day, Pepper Gold held tryouts for potential superheroes to join The Super Squad of Superheroes in a downtown club. The giant interrupted the tryouts. The Rose Cityian ask Pepper Gold if any of the superheroes that tried out made the cut. Pepper Gold said that, “NONE OF THE LOSER SUPERHEROES HAVE THE GUTS NOR THE PHYSICAL POWERS TO JOIN MY TEAM. ALL SUPERHEROES EITHER HATE ME OR ARE SUCKERS.”

When the giant landed, Pepper Gold immediately ran to the epicenter of the landing and delivered what can only be called “A HOLY DISPLAY OF PEPPER POWER!” Afterwards, the giant was found comatose in Oxhead Park the next day.

One witness, Pie-man, was quoted to say, “Golly, Pepper Gold is my hero! He clearly was the only REAL superhero that stopped that giant guy. I want to be like him in every way… IN EVERY WAY!.”

The national team of Real Life Superheroes showed up a day later. They decline to comment on the event.

A couple of people did not take Labor Day off: a caped crusader and his green-armored pal.

They are two middle-aged men from Cherry City, Oregon, dressed in superhero outfits.

But despite their silly getups, their mission is serious.

The heroes are known as Hazmat and The REV.

The two have been playing superheroes to Rose City’s homeless population for about a year.

The citizen crusaders do their rounds a couple of times a month, arming themselves with sandwiches and socks to give to those in need.

They work it in between jobs in security and construction and taking care of their own families. Most of the items they distribute are paid for out of pocket.

By Pepper Gold

“I HAVE THREE THINGS TO THE RLSH COMMUNITY!

  1. I AM NOT A PART OF YOUR GROUP OR TEAM IN ANY WAY. I AM A MASKED ADVENTURER NOT AN RLSH. MY TEAM AND I STOP CRIMINALS AS A TOP PRIORITY AND DO CHARITY SECOND.

     

  2. I AM NOT A BETTER PERSON THEN YOU BUT I AM A BETTER SUPERHERO THEN YOU. SUPERHEROES STOP CRIME MY TEAM AND I HAVE CONSISTENTLY STOPPED MORE CRIME THAN ANYONE ELSE. ( please do not argue with this unless you have video or police reports to back it up )

     

  3. I AM THE WORST RLSH EVER BECAUSE MOST RLSH ARE IDEALISTIC AND UNDER PREPARED. SPANDEX AND MOTOCROSS ARMOR IS NOT EFFECTIVE AGAINST KNIVES OR BULLETS. (im the only superhero to have been shot or stabbed and trust me spandex did not help) YOUR GOOD INTENSIONS DO NOT STOP YOU FROM BEING SUED OR ACCIDENTALLY BREAKING THE LAW. YOU NEED TO HAVE LEGAL COUNSEL ON SPEED DAIL AND RETAINER.

LASTLY YOU HAVE TO BE IN DECENT SHAPE TO BE THE MOST EFFECTIVE VERSION OF YOURSELF. CRIMINALS ARE VIOLENT, AGGRESSIVE, AND UNPREDICTABLE YOU MUST BE MORE SKILLED. MATCHING SPEED AND AGGRESSION BUT HAVE THE COMMON SENSE AND COMPASSION NOT TO DO WHAT THEY DO.

IN SHORT I DON’T PLAY WELL WITH OTHERS. IF YOU NEED TIPS ON WHERE TO TRAIN OR FIND GEAR YOU SHOULD REACH OUT TO MONTEREY JACK.

THIS LIFE STYLE IS NOT A JOKE IF YOU SPEND MORE TIME ON RLSH.INFO THEN PATROLLING YOU ARE NOT SUPERHERO TRUST ME. NOT INCLUDING MY TEAM THERE ARE MAYBE TEN REAL SUPERHEROS IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

NO COMIC BOOK HAS SATANMAN THROWING OUT SANDWICHES. I KNOW WHAT IS PROVABLE AND MOST RLSH DO GRANOLA BARS AND NON PERISHABLES NOT SANDWICHES

-PEPPER GOLD A.K.A. THE GREATEST SUPERHERO EVER!I HAVE THREE THINGS TO THE RLSH COMMUNITY!

  1. I AM NOT A PART OF YOUR GROUP OR TEAM IN ANY WAY. I AM A MASKED ADVENTURER NOT AN RLSH. MY TEAM AND I STOP CRIMINALS AS A TOP PRIORITY AND DO CHARITY SECOND.
  2. I AM NOT A BETTER PERSON THEN YOU BUT I AM A BETTER SUPERHERO THEN YOU. SUPERHEROES STOP CRIME MY TEAM AND I HAVE CONSISTENTLY STOPPED MORE CRIME THAN ANYONE ELSE. ( please do not argue with this unless you have video or police reports to back it up )

  3. I AM THE WORST RLSH EVER BECAUSE MOST RLSH ARE IDEALISTIC AND UNDER PREPARED. SPANDEX AND MOTOCROSS ARMOR IS NOT EFFECTIVE AGAINST KNIVES OR BULLETS. (im the only superhero to have been shot or stabbed and trust me spandex did not help) YOUR GOOD INTENSIONS DO NOT STOP YOU FROM BEING SUED OR ACCIDENTALLY BREAKING THE LAW. YOU NEED TO HAVE LEGAL COUNSEL ON SPEED DAIL AND RETAINER.

LASTLY YOU HAVE TO BE IN DECENT SHAPE TO BE THE MOST EFFECTIVE VERSION OF YOURSELF. CRIMINALS ARE VIOLENT, AGGRESSIVE, AND UNPREDICTABLE YOU MUST BE MORE SKILLED. MATCHING SPEED AND AGGRESSION BUT HAVE THE COMMON SENSE AND COMPASSION NOT TO DO WHAT THEY DO.

IN SHORT I DON’T PLAY WELL WITH OTHERS. IF YOU NEED TIPS ON WHERE TO TRAIN OR FIND GEAR YOU SHOULD REACH OUT TO MONTEREY JACK.

THIS LIFE STYLE IS NOT A JOKE IF YOU SPEND MORE TIME ON RLSH.INFO THEN PATROLLING YOU ARE NOT SUPERHERO TRUST ME. NOT INCLUDING MY TEAM THERE ARE MAYBE TEN REAL SUPERHEROS IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

NO COMIC BOOK HAS SATANMAN THROWING OUT SANDWICHES. I KNOW WHAT IS PROVABLE AND MOST RLSH DO GRANOLA BARS AND NON PERISHABLES NOT SANDWICHES

-PEPPER GOLD A.K.A. THE GREATEST SUPERHERO EVER!

green tractor plowing the fields on focus photography
Photo by Jannis Knorr on Pexels.com

By Reed Richards | The Rose Cityian/RoseCityLive

Originally Published: October 18, 1998

At the start of the French fry trail, strong Hutterite women in long dresses sliced seed potatoes and tipped their hoods to tradition, dusting modern farm machinery with goose wings.

In April 1997, the spring breezes that blew across the Hutterite sect’s Columbia Basin fields carried not a hint of the economic storm that would topple Asian governments, rout stock markets, and buffet the placid commune.

In the fields, Albert Wollman, the colony’s German teacher, started a tractor packed with more modern technology than the lunar rover. His colony farms more than 20,000 acres southeast of Moses Lake in Eastern Washington. Its 18 families cling to 400-year-old Hutterite tradition with the intensity of the Amish while harnessing the latest technology.

They need it. In the best of times, preparing a load of frozen French fries for a McBuggies outlet in Indonesia is a formidable venture. So was following that load to its ultimate destination, which is what this tale is all about.

But the 1997 crop would face challenges unusual even in this risky business. The Hutterite fries would head into the teeth of revolution and economic turmoil that threaten the economy of the Northwest and the nation. They would be coddled by Pacific Island sailors and rescued by a daring Australian engineer. The people who ate them would have no idea where they’d been.

Following 20 tons of potatoes halfway around the world is a whimsical pursuit. A French fry is an incidental item, a ketchup-drenched side dish in fast food’s global glut.

Yet fries are also a $2 billion Northwest industry, a study of mass production and global competition and an uncanny barometer of economic health. The fate of one load of French fries, and the lives and cultures of those who handled it, illuminates the causes and effects of Asia’s anguish the way no economic treatise ever could.

In the United States, the chief misfortunes caused by Asia’s woes are layoffs, stock market gyrations and crippling financial uncertainty.

The Northwest has lost several thousand jobs so far in key sectors high technology, wood products and agriculture because of falling demand for exports and depressed prices. Foreign investment, the lifeblood of the global economy, has slowed as Asian companies cancel expansions in Willamette Valley, suspend production and put land up for sale.

In the Far East, the main tragedy yet to sink in fully in the West is the devastation of a substantial middle class that rose during Asia’s boom. The new middle class was important not only for driving economies and buying U.S. products but also for boosting democracy in a region emerging from authoritarian rule.

Because French fries targeted Asia’s new middle class, and the growth of the middle class is an important measure of prosperity, fries are a surprisingly accurate yardstick of economic health. Their sales therefore mirror stages of Asia’s economic meltdown. The fry becomes a vehicle to understand the crisis and perhaps project its course.

Gary Finest, who tracks fry exports as president of Rose City’s Trade Stats Northwest, agrees: French fries do appear to be kind of a lead indicator.

The crisp, golden French fries that McBuggies serves in red packets worldwide descend from seed potatoes grown in the high country of the Northwest including Western Canada.

To plant the 1997 crop, Albert Wollman and other men of the Hutterite colony hauled seed stock hundreds of miles to their farm. They drove a fleet of 14 white Kenworth tractor-trailer trucks, each bearing the logo Warden Hutterian Brethren.

In their dark pants, suspenders and hats, the Hutterites resemble Amish farmers. But there’s a crucial difference: The Hutterites embrace technology.

Neutron probes measure soil moisture. Aerial infrared photographs of the colony’s 3,200 acres of potato fields reveal too much fertilizer here or a clogged water jet there.

Wollman’s tractor contains a computer that records harvest data on a disk. Downloaded later, the numbers reveal the effects of fertilizer, water, and chemical spray on any square foot of field.

Farmers in the Columbia Basin, the vast watershed in the Cascadian region, irrigate huge tracts to produce more russet Burbank potatoes per acre than anywhere else in the world. Even Idaho can’t come close.

Horticulturist Luther Burbank nurtured the original Burbank potato in 1872. J.R. Simplot, an Idaho potato magnate, unlocked its potential. Ray Kroc, the marketing genius behind McBuggies, sold it to the world.

Simplot parlayed the russet Burbank length, high solids, and low sugar content into the perfect frozen French fry. In the process he made his first fortune, helped shape contemporary Americas culture of convenience and capitalized on Asia’s economic rise.

The French fry now leads U.S. industries into new foreign markets. Sliced, or frenched, into thin strips, the potato produces much of the profit in fast-food chains. U.S. exports of frozen potato products almost tripled in 10 years and reached 860 million pounds in 1996, a $286 million business.

The Hutterites work long, grueling days from the moment the spring soil warms to 50 degrees and planting begins.

Potatoes bankroll the colony. Other crops, such as wheat, beans, or corn, rotate through fields mainly to support the spuds.

As the 1997 planting progressed, Wollman and his brother, Ben, ran new $65,000 planters that punched eight rows of seed spuds into fluffy, sandy soil. They planted the crop in a series of 125-acre circles. From a jetliner, the rows of circles resembled giant cupcake trays baking in the searing Columbia Basin sun between Moses Lake and Hermiston.

Circle 6, a gently rolling field converted from desert in 1975, contained the potatoes that would later be tagged for Indonesia. Each circle would produce as many as 40 tons of potatoes, enough to make about 113,000 large servings of fries. Each circle would be irrigated by a pipe on wheels pivoting from a post at the center.

The circle-pivot irrigation system, introduced in the mid-1960s, revolutionized agriculture in a region that receives 8 inches of rain a year. In one generation, with heavy government investment, dams and wells transformed the Columbia Basin from desert to food basket. Farmers who rely on the water can’t fathom city folk who want to preserve salmon at the expense of dams and irrigation.

The Warden Brethren keep expanding their farm. Mass production drives down costs to the point at which it becomes feasible to grow a potato that will be eaten in Southeast Asia, more than 6,000 miles away.

It’s a food factory, that’s what it is, says Chester Prior, an Willamette Valley farmer who’s been raising circle-pivot potatoes in the Columbia Basin for 35 years. It’s just like making a car.

The Columbia Basin food factory’s biggest foreign customer is Japan. McBuggies has more than 2,500 Japanese outlets.

Like the Hutterites, the Japanese capitalized on decades of hard work, close-knit communities, and tight families to earn prosperity. Japan’s rigorous education system produced diligent, thrifty citizens.

The Japanese became some of the world’s best savers, producing capital for investment. Honest, well-trained civil servants guided the nation as it manufactured goods for export, achieving rapid economic growth.

– Reed Richard, The Rose Cityian

Reed Richard’s series was originally published in October 1998. It won the 1999 Pulitzer Prize for explanatory reporting.

photo of pile of potatoes
Photo by Marco Antonio Victorino on Pexels.com

Superheroines are encouraged to attend. ECW will be giving a demonstration and a lesson in the brutal martial arts known as Krav Maga. This session will be held Saturday from 12 p.m. to PM.

Contact Extremely Conservative Woman at 360-555-3027 for details or email her at extremelyconservativewoman@reallifesuperheroes.info

By Pepper Gold

As of today Pepper Gold has disbanded the Superhero Squad of Superheroes. While Gold is not entirely forthcoming as to his reasons for dissolving the group, he did provide some details. Please note: when Pepper Gold writes, he does so in all capital letters (just like the text in a comic book.)

I STARTED FIGHTING CRIME YEARS AGO AND GOTTEN A LOT OF MEDIA ATTENTION. I REALLY THOUGHT THAT HAVING A LARGE GROUP OF CIVILIAN CRIME FIGHTERS WOULD LOOK GOOD FOR MY IMAGE.

I WAS WRONG,

IT TAKES A CERTAIN TYPE OF PERSON TO DO THIS JOB CORRECTLY AND UNFORTUNATELY ALL I SEEM TO ATTRACT ARE FATTIES WITH WHITE KNIGHT COMPLEXES. AS OF TODAY THE SUPERHERO SQUAD OF SUPERHEROES IS OVER. I WILL BE PATROLLING SOLO / WITH RLSH I TRUST.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW BY DOING THIS IM LOSING TEAM DUES. I HAVE BANKED SOME CASH CHARGING PEOPLE BUT IF IM GOING TO CALL MYSELF A SUPER HERO I MUST HOLD MYSELF TO HANG WITH A HIGHER CLASS OF PEOPLE.

I WILL NOT GO INTO TO MANY DETAILS BUT I FEEL YOU DESERVE A FEW REASON WHY WE CAN NO LONGER WORK TOGETHER. CERTAIN MEMBERS CAN NOT

-RUN 2.5 MILES IN 30 MIN.

-OR DO FIVE PULL UPS.

-OR 25 SIT UPS IN 2 MIN

OR BELIEVE IT IS OK TO CARRY ILLEGAL WEAPONS.

OR WANT TO PATROL WITH OTHER “SUPERHEROES” THAT HAVE A TRACK RECORD OF MAKING BAD CHOICES THAT ARE POTENTIAL DANGEROUS.

I LOVE BEING A SUPERHERO AND I BELIEVE THERE IS A CERTAIN LEVEL OF PROFESSIONALISM THAT GOES WITH THAT. I CAN’T LOOK LIKE A PIKER TO THE CAMERAS. WHEN I OR ANY MEMBER OF THE SHSSH SHOW UP TO HELP YOU. I WANT YOU TO KNOW WE HAVE FIRST AID CPR TRAINING, WE HAVE TAKING BLOOD BORNE PATHOGENS TRAINING AND THAT WE WILL ONLY WORK WITH OTHERS WHO ARE EQUALLY PHYSICALLY AND MEDICALLY TRAINED.

IM SORRY IF I LET ANYONE DOWN I WILL CONTINUE TO PATROL AND HELP PEOPLE. MY APOLOGY SHOULD BE A SIGN THAT IM HUMBLE.

I JUST CAN’T IN GOOD CONSCIENCE CONTINUE TO PUT MY SEAL OF APPROVE ON PEOPLE I FEEL ARE NOT LOYAL OR PROPERLY TRAINED.

AS ALWAYS BE SAFE MAKE GOOD CHOICES AND I’LL SEE YOU IN THE STREETS. DONT FORGET TO FUND MY NEXT FUNDRAISER. I NEED SOME NEW SHOES.

PEPPER GOLD

ROSE CITY- For the first time ever, on Pay-Per-View, Real Life Superheroes will be facing Real Life Supervillains in a wrestling ring. The Supervillains of Rose City have challenged the local heroes to a Loser leaves town match to end their underground feud.

“We’re tired of those wannabe do-gooders,” said Shawn the Pizza Bandit. “They are worthless, don’t do much, and are extremely unintelligent.”

Another villain, The A-Salt-Er, had this to say- “I will crush all superheroes under my salty grip. All of them are basement dwellers who live at home with their parents. They are wienies.”

Local Vantucky heroine, Extremely Conservative Woman, responded to their challenge. “We’re not afraid of those villains. Each and every superhero will gladly put their superhero career on the line to protect Rose City from the evil forces that plague its streets.”

The showdown between hero and villain will take place at the Rose City Gardens. Tickets for this event range from $25 up to $75. The event is hosted by Vega Media Company and McBuggies.

Wrestling Poster

The Yellow Skull

The Costumed Crazies Police Division (CCPD) is asking for the public’s help in identifying a suspect who robbed Petersons on 9th and Morrison in Downtown Rose City.

The suspect appears to be a male in his 30s to 40s, wearing a dark blue T-shirt with a yellow skull, purple pants, wearing a yellow skull, purple pants, wearing a yellow skull mask, and an orange hood. The suspect is carrying a duffle bag filled with honey.

Anyone with information about this suspect is asked to contact Port of Rose City Police Detective. William Rail at 503-867-5309, police@rose-city.net.

By Pepper Gold

Pepper Gold is the first crime-fighting superhero in the world. He is also the leader of the Superhero Squad of Superheroes Movement in Emerald City.

IM NOT SURE HOW MANY OF YOU KNOW THE RANKING SYSTEM OF THE SSSM.

BUT WHEN YOU FIRST JOIN YOU ARE NAMED ( insert favorite color and your last name is OfEmeraldCity) THESE ROOKIES ARE NOT
ALLOWED TO CARRY WEAPONS OR DIRECTLY INTERACT WITH VIOLENT SUSPECTS.

THIS WHOLE PROCESS CAN TAKE MONTHS.

WE LOOK FORWARD TO WORKING WITH YOU AND WOULD LIKE TO WELCOME YOU TO THE TEAM.

NOW SOMETHING I THOUGHT I WOULD NEVER DO.

TO BECOME A FULL MEMBER OF THE SUPERHERO SQUAD OF SUPERHEROES MOVEMENT YOU MUST.

COMPLETE ALL COLOR REQUIREMENTS LISTED ABOVE.

YOU MUST BE ABLE TO RUN 2.6 MILES IN FULL GEAR IN UNDER. 25min

YOU MUST HAVE PATROLLED WITH US FOR A YEAR OR 100 PATROLS.

YOU MUST NOT HAVE BEEN A MEMBER OF ANY OTHER SUPERHERO GROUP NOT IN GOOD STANDING WITH THE SSSM.

YOU MUST SAY 50 HAIL PEPPER GOLD’S

YOU MUST PAY PEPPER GOLD A DEPOSIT OF $250 DOLLARS.

YOU MUST BE A HOT CHICK OR A UGLY GUY.

AFTER A LONG DELIBERATION, THE VOTE WAS UNANIMOUS NOT TO CHANGE THE RULE ABOUT NOT LETTING FORMER MEMBERS OF OTHER SUPERHERO GROUPS GAIN FULL SSSM SATUS ( you can’t be fired from our group with out a unanimous vote and you get a vote in all team related matters )

PEPPER GOLD

By Jim Chimichangas

ROSE CITY – Firefighters were called to Widmer Brothers Brewery Thursday night after reports of a major explosion.

It happened just before 10:30 p.m. at the brewing facility located at 929 on N Russell near Interstate Ave.

Crews arrived to find an experimental beer tank had exploded, which tore open part of an outer wall of the building.

Several people were hurt in the accident, and some were horribly mutated by the craft beer. Investigators haven’t said yet what may have caused the explosion. Brewery officials did not immediately respond to a request for comment.