Triple Comics
Author: Illya King
Illustrator and Web Developer. Creator of Totally Naked Man and McSchluberson.
Danger Lurks
Totally Naked Man!
Alien Fight
Enter Extremely Conservative Woman
The Never Ending Battle
Mission Statement
Space Invaders 2000
Fight, Naked Man, Fight!
Pancakes
Heroes of Emerald City
Da Bomb!
Mighty Man vs. The Forest Animals pt.1
Mighty Man vs. The Forest Animals pt.2
Mighty Man V.2
Zetaman is a Sinner
by Pastor Lee Hemen
April 14, 2008
Tell the righteous it will be well with them, for they will enjoy the fruit of their deeds. (Isaiah 3:10)
In a world where it seems as if evil is rewarded and the ungodly go unpunished those who live godly lives will wonder, “Why do these people seem to prosper when everything I do goes unnoticed?” Yet if we look closely at where this little verse of Isaiah’s is placed we discover that he put it in between the shame and disgrace of Jerusalem and Judah as they staggered from their ungodliness and the wicked. Even the young people and women of that era were living in flagrant ungodliness. Sounds strangely familiar to our day and age where teenagers beat up classmates to get on the Web, and every other protest is lead by some deprived or depraved female wanting to assert her authority or proclivity in our faces.
How should the people of God live? God says, “Tell the righteous it will be well with them, for they will enjoy the fruits of their deeds.” Cynically someone related, “No good deed goes unpunished.” However, God says it is rewarded if it is done out of righteousness, meaning holy integrity.
Today as I drove to an early morning prayer time, I overheard on the radio that there was a person who took on the persona of a “super hero” in order to handout gloves, coats, and jackets to the homeless living under the bridges of Portland, OR. As they interviewed him, he seemed like an okay guy but the reasoning behind his wearing a superhero disguise, “Zetaman” I believe, and why he desired to do these “good deeds,” smacked of personal self-gratification. He goes armed with an extendable steel baton, pepper spray, and a Taser that delivers 30,000 volts—enough to put a man on the ground. Those tools of the trade are to “defend” himself or people in trouble. He admits being a costumed avenger is addictive after the first taste of parading in public with a “Z” on your chest.
“I couldn’t stop after that,” he says. “I feel great about myself. I’m staying active in the community. And I like comic books, I like great and noble ideas—like He-Man and Spider-Man. And they all have this thing about noble responsibility.” Hmmm… therefore are we to conclude that he did it disguised so that people would only know it was his “superhero” persona that did the deeds and he really did not want any credit? I do not think so.
I am sorry but I found this kind of odd because to me it sounded like selfish guilt wrapped in false humility. If he truly wanted to remain anonymous, why wear a superhero get up, with a mask, and a cape? He is part of a small but growing group of self-proclaimed do-gooders that act out their fantasies of being superheroes while trying to be altruistic.
There are literally millions of “superheroes,” His chosen, that God uses everyday and they never have to go out in disguise to do something gracious for the Lord. And if I remember correctly didn’t Jesus say that if you do it in order to get a personal stroking of any kind, that is the whole reward you receive? I hate those bumper stickers that say, “Do a random act of kindness.” Kindness should never be “random.” It should be God-directed where it brings the most good and glory to the Lord. Therefore child of God never feel sorry because your good deed went unnoticed. God saw it and received the glory for it, if you did it as a means of worshipping Him. Never do something “random,” do it deliberately for His glory as He directs you. You are His superhero!
Mysterious Satellite explodes
By Hugo Manning
ROSE CITY- A strange flying ship was seen over Rose City earlier today. The U.S. government claims to have been conducting a test of a new satellite for monitoring extra-terrestrial activity. Rose City’s team of scientific advisers, Science Hero Academy Quintet, were asked about the satellite. “We, the scientist of S.H.A.Q., cannot verify the claims of the U.S. Government,” said noted robotics expert, Doctor Ivan Atomickolov. “We urge our local and state officials to demand better transparency from our national military and the federal government.”
The flying ship later exploded in the stratosphere. Although Dr. Atomick (Atomickolov) cannot explain why a low-orbit satellite would be combusted, he offered these explanations-
“The fuel used to power such a satellite must have ignited while the machine approached our atmosphere. A space vehicle descending from space, without proper heat shielding, would burn up. Fire from the satellite’s hull could have reached the fuel source.”
Government officials deny the satellite was to be used for the N.S.A. or spying on foreign allies. The U.N. launched a private investigation. If it is found that the satellite was designed for operations other than space exploration, the U.N. will begin proceedings to charge the United States with privacy crimes.
Local real-life superhero, Zetaman, offered an explanation of the craft’s origin. “It was aliens,” proclaimed Zetaman. “Aliens came down and tried to take over the Earth. The Alternates stopped them for good.”
Doctor Atomick and the White House denounced the RLSH’s claims as “ridiculous” and “the theories of a man seeking attention.”
Operation Treehouse
Local musicians and costume activists work together as a team in a Christmas mission for foster children.
Kirkland, Washington ( PRWEB) December 13 — Vinyl Fluid Records music store and Zetaman, the hero of Rose City, have organized a charity concert.
Live music will be performed by Little Big Man, Project Lionheart, and other local artists.
Vinyl Fluid Records have procured sponsorship from local business like Valve (a gaming store) and Body Boutique as well as corporate support from restaurants like Claim Jumper and Outback Steak House in the form of gift certificates and other prizes which will be used in a raffle to help raise additional funds. The proceeds from Operation: Treehouse will be used to buy much-needed toys which will then be given to the Treehouse to be distributed to foster kids.
Operation: Treehouse has put together a website with more information at http://www.operationtreehouse.info. Contact information, as well as information about the event, is located there.
For more information about the event, please contact Shawn “Story” Hendricks at email: storywon@msn.com or Zetaman at email: zetaman@thealternates.org
Five on Five Information
DJ’s spinning music for sports equipment
Vinyl Fluid Records, along with the Alternates, are producing a concert to benefit the Boys and Girls Club. Five of the Northwest hottest DJ’s will be playing 5 hours of music for an admission price of 5 dollars.
Vinyl Fluid Records, an online music store, is hosting a concert to benefit the Boys and Girls Club. With the help of a local community advocacy group, the Alternates, they will be raising money as well as sporting goods equipment for the youth.
Five of the hottest northwest DJ’s will be spinning five hours of music at the Liquid Lime. Admission price is $5.00. Proceeds will be given to help fund programs and equipment for the Boys and Girls Club. The concert will be also featuring an auction for prizes graciously donated by local businesses. And boxes will be step up to receive donations in the form of sporting goods equipment as well as monetary donations.
About Vinyl Fluid Records – VFR is a small online music store dedicated to the challenge of keeping physical formats of music (i.e. vinyl, cd’s, etc.) alive and obtainable.
About the Alternates- The Alternates are a regional based group of costumed social activists.
Hero Arrested!
ROSE CITY — The man exposed as The Black Knight, Real Life Superhero, has been arrested.
Joshua Stone was booked into the Multnomah County jail Tuesday night. Rose City Police arrested Stone for stalking, which is a misdemeanor crime.
According to prosecutors, the Multnomah County District Attorney’s office decided not to file charges at this time. They can reconsider later.
Stone has been released from jail.
“There was not enough evidence to proceed with the incidents of stalking that were reported to us,” explained Matthew Hall, a deputy district attorney in Multnomah County.
Stone is also trying to change his name. He filed court papers in Yamhill County on Tuesday, requesting that a judge allow him to legally change his name from Joshua Stone to Maxwell P. Gigglebottoms.
A hearing has been scheduled for February 15 to consider the change.
Stone claimed he was a Real Life Superhero; a member of the team, The Alternates. The Alternates released Stone after the arrest and disbanded the team.
The U.S. Department of Defense, in coordination with the Rose City Costumed Crazies Division, are investigating the matter.
Naked Man stops attempted robbery
By Bill “The Mouse” Bailey
ROSE CITY- A naked man stopped a robbery in Downtown Rose City on Friday Night.
An officer first spotted the orange-haired man, without his clothes, running toward a robbery in progress at Pioneer Courthouse Square around 6 pm. The individual stopped a would be the robber, Jason Grumblebum, as he attempted to steal money from a couple at gunpoint.
After the naked man beat down Mr. Grumblebum, he ran off down the street, singing a Laura Branigan song. The officer tried using a stun gun to subdue the naked man but the stun gun malfunction.
The robber, Mr. Grumble, was taken into custody for the attempted robbery.
This is not the first time a totally naked man was found stopping criminal activity in Rose City. The police have cited the man with disorderly conduct and interfering with a peace officer but have yet to discover the identity of the nude crime stopper.
No More Superheroes
By Zetaman
Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am officially disbanding the Alternates team. I am very sad to do this. Due to current personality and moral conflicts, the Alternates team cannot function as a team. I accept full responsibility for the failure on my part to continue on. I no longer have the will or desire to seek out RLSH in the northwest area.
To the former Alternates team, good luck in the decisions you are making and will make in your life. I hope good things happen to you.
-Zetaman of Rose City
For more information about Real Life Superheroes, please visit reallifesuperheroes.info.
Totally Naked Man Red and Blue
Totally Naked Commentary
I need to point out that I’m a big Masters of the Universe Fan. The Yellow Skull’s look is based on Skeletor. The coloring of the Blue Totally Naked Man is the color schematics for Fakor, the evil duplicate robot of He-Man.
The Real-Life Supervillains (RLSV) were a notorious online group notorious for mocking the Real Life Superheroes (RLSH) community. These individuals, often seen as nerds, found it easy to target and ridicule members of the RLSH, exploiting their vulnerabilities. I personally faced a lot of unanticipated ridicule from them. The RLSH community tolerated these individuals because some of their criticisms seemed valid, reflecting thoughts that many heroes secretly harbored.
Over time, I realized that criticism for its own sake is merely one person insulting another. There was never going to be a fusion of ideas because these individuals were more interested in trolling the geek culture online. They wanted to be part of the spectacle without being labeled as part of it. This experience led me to assume, and continue to assume, that anyone calling themselves a Real-Life Supervillain is likely a jerk in real life. An example of my assumptions being validated is the actions of The White Skull.
The White Skull would troll ineffective RLSH while supporting the competent ones. Despite his trolling, The White Skull offered some valid criticisms and constructive feedback, which earned him a place in my social circle.
There were several sites that younger kids were joining, such as the Heroes Network. Eventually, it was revealed that these forums had pedophiles and abusers as administrators. Another site, The Earth Agents, was run by an older man, sometimes talked about killing a person of color in Indiana as his brand of vigilante justice. As the Real-Life Superhero concept gained mainstream attention, I felt it was time to clean house. I indirectly asked The White Skull for help, which upset him. Skull believed I was acting like a fascist, suppressing free speech. This led him to create a video accusing me of being a Nazi. In retaliation, I flagged the video for copyright infringement, as I own the rights to Zetaman and the RLSH logo. This action sparked another online conflict, making me appear as the bad guy.
There were indeed some very bad people with influence. From an outsider’s perspective, it might have looked like I was being a dictator. Perhaps both perspectives are true, but I will always choose to protect young people over those who exploit them.
Eventually, I retired. Later, I heard that The White Skull had passed away. Despite my feelings towards him, I didn’t want him to die and felt genuinely sad. His wife even created a Kickstarter for funeral expenses, which was heartbreaking.
However, it was discovered that Skull had faked his death online. He claimed it was to test people’s gullibility, but I don’t believe this story. What kind of person fakes their death for internet attention?
Creating comics has always been my way of making sense of the world. There are many things that confuse me, and others that frustrate and anger me. My comics serve as my coping mechanism. I was often bothered by people within my social circle, and one way I dealt with these unpleasant individuals was by diminishing their importance. I learned this tactic from a villain named Lord Malignance. By turning these people into colorful and absurd cartoon characters, I was able to put them into perspective. They are just like cartoon characters.
Characters like The Yellow Skull and other villains such as The Roach serve as filler villains in my stories. When I need a quick joke or an easy win for the heroes, I insert these “villain jobbers.” In real life, most of these people were never a real threat to me beyond their childish armchair insults and ridiculous conspiracy theories. They were just placeholders, filling time until something more interesting happens.
Potato Power!
Totally Naked Commentary
I drew a Totally Naked Man Red and Blue story years ago. The villain was a nerd named Geoff the nerd. For years I sketched out different versions of my cartoons.
I was working with a local director/film maker named Allan Luebke to make a Zetaman reality show. One of the components of the show was a real-life comic book of Zetaman. I dusted off the Geoff character and redesigned it. Geoff created armor based on the Gundum series. I am not an anime fan. I was addicted to those snap build kits of Gundum robots kits found in Target and Walmart at the time. Geoff was a techno hack who didn’t have an original idea so the character built armor based on popular cartoons.
The idea of a Zetaman comic series was dropped because I didn’t make the time to draw.
I published Naked Man Comics #1 in May 2012. I was figuring out how to draw people to my comic. Someone in my online social group recommended putting up some free comics. Around this time was when The White Skull was garbage posting his drama online. This gave me the inspiration to tweak the red and blue story to fit within my new Totally Naked Man universe.
Round 1
Totally Naked Commentary
Technically, the online webcomic came out BEFORE Naked Man Comics #1. This would be the “first” appearance of Totally Naked Man.
Packing Heat (and Ice)
Totally Naked Commentary
This was a rather fun page. I like Totally Naked Man Blue.
Burned
Totally Naked Commentary
I am not the master at humor. I loved this little story. It was very cathartic to put together. I didn’t think I’d like The Yellow Skull character when I crated it. But the villain grew on me.
Calling Gloria
Hi,
I have decided to add commentary to my comics. I have been drawing Naked Man Comics for over 10 years. I have blogged about things from time to time. But I never added commentary before. I am migrating my old stories into the Totally Naked Man domain. I figured adding commentary will help old fans look at my pages different. Or, at least, I feel it safe now to post what were digs at people in real life and what was complete fiction.
Back in my Zetaman days, I ran around with other costumed people. When I retired as Zetaman a lot of them were very vocal on how they felt about me. A bit of the criticism might be right. Most of the comments were not. It was my fault, to be honest. I tried to screen people the best I could. But people can mask very well.
This story’s premise is that there are a bunch of creeps I met online teaming up and calling themselves the Rose City Rebellion. My ex-wife was going around seeking intimate attention from other Real-Life Superheroes. When we broke up, I made the whole thing public. At the time I did not see a problem with it. My ex used a forum I built to share naked pictures of herself. Because I did cause a stir online, my ex needed to do some damage control. She found some other people I did not have a good relationship with and create a new team. From what I gathered; they spend a lot of their time at buffets. My ex-wife decided to find someone who called himself a Real-Life Supervillain (Mavalo or something like that) to draft a very personal blog detailing information about me, who I was dating, and my parents. When I read that blog and saw how much it hurt other people, I retired as Zetaman.
But I felt like I had to say something back. I did, using a character I created as a teenager, Totally Naked Man. I figured I can at least vent. I was not going to go into many details. But I was going to just make a jab and move on. Little did I know I would be going on a decade later.
Totally Naked Man is singing in this because I loved Mighty Mouse cartoons as a kid. Mighty Mouse always sang. The orange in Totally Naked Man’s hair is yellow and red mixed together.
I did poke fun of the blog creator by creating The Blazing Bag of Poo. Basically, calling the person who wrote his meth fueled blogs a $#!#-head.
-Illya
Pizza Bandits
Totally Naked Commentary
This is a complicated page. The two people I was digging into were a couple named Cat and Sean. They were not nice people at all. But just because they were not nice people, and they wrote terrible things about me did not give me the excuse to joke about Cat’s weight issue. This is where I failed and wrote some unkind stuff in comic form.
Cat has Colitis. She was often in the hospital for this. It was terrible.
One time I took Sean out while Cat was in the hospital. All he did was complain about the medical issues. I did my best to empathize. My own wife, at the time, was also in and out of the hospital. It is tough. There is a little bitterness because it seems like the medical issues will never end. There is a feeling of hopelessness. Still, Sean was really mad.
When I retired, Sean and Cat were spending time together with my ex. Because of the garbage my ex put me through (like having people pretend to me my friend or ripping me a new on podcasts) I was distrustful of anyone close to her. Sean and Cat took it as an insult and that I had to answer to me about my activities.
So, I did what anyone would do, I told them where to go and how fast to get there.
I tried to do street work again as a civilian. Sean took every opportunity to belittle me with his blogs. He ripped apart my site because of spelling errors I made. Sean even photoshop my face on Osama Bin Laden’s body.
The last straw was a news article featuring Cat and Sean, A.K.A. Lunar Veil and Dark Wolf. I read the article. A reporter followed Dark Wolf on a patrol. Everything DW did was an imitation of a colleague of mine, Antiman. Down to getting the mug shot newspaper, the routes to patrol, the homeless den under McLoughlin Blvd in Portland. In the article, LV talked about taking down a puppy mill in Beaverton (which was impossible for her being bed ridden all the time). It was a total piece of fiction.
I was frustrated. Here are some fake people talking garbage about me as well as lying to the media of who they were and what they did. I decided to vent about them via my comic.
I decided to write Sean as Shawn the Pizza Bandit. In the article they were in, there was this picture of Lunar Veil cleaning a gun while Dark Wolf ate a pizza. I thought that was hilarious. What was not funny and still not funny was dragging Cat’s colitis into my story. I knew Dark Wolf cheated on Lunar Veil few times. He bought some Real Life Supervillain woman a penguin. Another time Cat emailed me about hacking into Sean’s computer and downloading porn to it.
Sean treated Cat horribly. That is what I wanted to say. The joke was that Shawn the Pizza Bandit purposely starving Catherine the Walf because he only likes skinny women. Shawn treats his partner like garbage and gaslights her.
Had I been a better writer at the time I would have gotten the point across. I hurt Cat and that was wrong. Granted, at the time I was still pretty heated about the harassment these two were throwing at me. But harassment is not an excuse to behave like them. I would have liked to be better, but I was not.
I will not be revising some of the dialogue because it is an opportunity to finally this off my chest. To normal people outside of the Real Life Superhero community, the character dynamic is innocuous. But to Cat, this joke hurt her. I was wrong to do it and I am sorry. I reacted as a child to people acting like children.
-Illya
25 Percent Power
Totally Naked Commentary
Pretty straightforward page to move the story along. I did walk around Old Town Portland to make sure that the background would be accurate.
Pizza Strikes
Totally Naked Commentary
This was a fun concept. I’d imagine anything that harms the skin would be Totally Naked Man’s weakness.
Chow Time
Totally Naked Commentary
The wide shot of Cat and Shawn is based on a photo of them in real-life. Dark Wolf and Lunar Veil did an article for some magazine. There was this picture of Lunar Veil on one side of the table and Dark Wolf on the other side. Lunar Veil was polishing a gun and Dark Wolf was eating a pizza. This is WHY I thought the “Shawn starving Cat” was going to be funny. It was not, as I alluded to a few pages ago.
Why the article frustrated me enough to make a parody?
I read the article. Lunar Veil claimed to shut down a puppy mill in either Beaverton or Hillsboro. She physically investigated the location, gathered evidence, and presented it to the police for the arrest. This never happened. The poor woman could barely move much less accomplished what she claimed. Dark Wolf had the reporters follow him around his patrol. Dark Wolf explained his operation method when “crime fighting.” What he did was copy our mutual colleague, Antiman. Everything Dark Wolf did was what Antiman did, down to the spots where Antiman liked to patrol. All the while Dark Wolf was writing blogs about how much I sucked.
I may have been lame in what I did, but at least I did what I said I did. I did not have to imitate anyone else. If I found an idea that worked from another RLSH, I would incorporate but I would cite where the idea came from.
Internet Trolls
Totally Naked Commentary
This is based on a real event. Cat sent me an angry email about what “I” was doing to her and Sean. Apparently, I was hacking into Sean’s computer and uploading porn. I was supposed to be doing this to ruin their relationship. One, I have no idea how to do that. Two, why would I waste porn on people I don’t like?
God, these two were total nutters.
Potty Mouth
Totally Naked Commentary
Cat would send me these messages asking me to meet her and Sean to settle things. She would also insult me in the same emails. When I didn’t respond, Sean would type another nasty blog about how I’m an unhinged terrorist.
Full Figure Force
Totally Naked Commentary
The Full-Figured Force of the Pizza Bandits are made up of people who followed my ex-wife, Allison.
Pie-Man was based on an RLSH named Skyman, who was sort of racist and inebriated.
Sweat-dude was based on a kid my ex left me for, whose RLSH name was Iconoclast.
The Victim based on RLSH named Victim. That guy was writing exotic emails and stories to my ex-wife. I even came across an email where Victim was instructing my ex on how to make things more romantic. So weird.
Dan the Sleaze was based on a guy named Irishman. My ex made out with him and caught herpes.
Slip Slidin Away
Totally Naked Commentary
Its not a superhero story without a fight.
Giving Up
Totally Naked Commentary
I just thought it was funny that villains gave up. Why do most villains in comics hard workers? You’d think they succumb to all vices.
Pizza Justice
Totally Naked Commentary
In the original draft, Shawn’s text is a little more violent. 15 years later, its uncomfortable.
Reflections On Pizza
Totally Naked Commentary
I wanted to do what comics use to do and place internal ads within my comic. This space was reserved for information about my website, https://nakedmancomics.com/.
Fast Food Follies
Totally Naked Commentary
This story was based on my experience working at Burger King. It was my first job. Afterwards I swore it’ll be a cold day in Hell before I work food service again. Then again, this was in Connecticut. A lot of New Yorkers lived in the area and were entitled jerks.
The Naked Knight Returns
Totally Naked Commentary
I recycled an old story I drew. I didn’t realize how much work one comic took. I had a full time job, Krav Maga, and Junior College classes. I had a lot on my plate. I took some tracing paper and inked over my old penciled in pages.
-Illya
Totally Lying
Totally Naked Commentary
For some of these stories, I did random Google searches for buildings and bridges in Portland. I was not satisfied with the results afterwards. I felt it lacked… imagination. I thought it would be better to place the characters in actual locations in Portland, Oregon. Since then I’ve made sure my backgrounds would match where the characters would be in Real Life. It also gave me a chance to explore Portland more.
-Illya
The Horseless Horse
Totally Naked Commentary
This page sucks. There is no excuse. When I drew this story, I was in my early twenties. Re-inking it 10 years later was a nightmare. Coloring it 20 years later was worse. But, you live and you learn. Never skip out on doing backgrounds.
Not Clint Eastwood
Totally Naked Commentary
This is another awkward page. When I first drew this story I was really big into The Unforgiving. I was also into Kingdom Come at this time too. I love last hurrah stories.
I never did anything with the mysterious cowboy character. But there are a lot of characters I drew that I have not done much with. Perhaps leaving these characters out there gives me potential stories in the future. I don’t know.
Time Lord
Totally Naked Commentary
Honestly, I would love to do an entire series on Greek Gods. I love the idea of the pantheon’s drama extending to the modern world.
In other issues of Naked Man Comics and Totally Naked Man, everyone has that painting in Panel 3. I wanted to expand upon this in a future issue. Only we, the reader, sees the painting. It is Cronus’ curse upon the readers for patronizing Naked Man Comics. He broadcast’s his greatest victory via paintings to the reader.
Distant Thunder
Totally Naked Commentary
This was fun to color. I wish I didn’t to a straight copy of Dark Knight Returns. Horses are fun to draw. The art would of matched the rest of the comic. Ah well. It’s a messy process to find your voice.
The Power Of The Horseless Horse
Totally Naked Commentary
I cut A LOT of dialogue when I colored this page. I fall into a trap of over explaining a joke. I’ve been learning to get to the point than wax poetic about a silly comic.
Deus Ex Machina
Totally Naked Commentary
From what I remembered, this panel was fun to draw. I know I wanted to put doubt that the Horseless Horse is real. But I could not figure out how to write this.
Naked Soliloquy
Totally Naked Commentary
The final dialogue on this page sucked. It really did. I cleaned up what I could for this re-color of the pages. I was really flirting with meta humor back then. Sometimes I really hate my writing.
Pizza Robbers Burgle Local Eateries
By Beef Wellington
ROSE CITY- Rose City Police are seeking a man and woman suspected of robbing several pizza eateries in the Old Town District.
The latest robbery took place at the Old Town Pizza on NW Davis. around 2:35 p.m. where the couple entered and made off with dozens of pizzas.
The male suspect is described as a man in his early 20s, between 5 feet, 7 inches and to 8 inches, with a medium build, short brown hair, sunglasses, and in a gray steamer suit with a cape. The woman suspect is described as a woman in his early 20s, between 5 feet, 4 inches to 6 inches, with a thin build, black hair, sunglasses, in a black swat vest, and black combat pants and boots.
Anyone with information about these series of robberies is asked to contact Det. William Rail at 503-867-5309, will.rail@rose-city.net; or to contact the Rose City office of the FBI at 503-555-6792.
The Arrival
Superhero stops Teddy Bear trade
By Tom Hortorwiz
CLEARWATER- An illegal Talking Teddy Bear trade was stopped today by Superhero, the superhero. Armed with his airsoft pistols and 9 mm handgun, Superhero combated shady and armed dock workers single handled. No one else assisted Superhero in his efforts.
“As long Superhero stands, there will not be another Ruxpin War,” proclaimed Superhero. “It is my civic duty to clean up the streets of illegal talking bears… with extreme violence.”
Several dock workers were shot in the kneecaps but there were no fatalities. Police arrived on the scene moments later. There was very little evidence to indicate who orchestrated the illegal trade. However, Clearwater police consider The Opossum as the primary suspect.
Talking teddy bears became illegal after the underground Teddy Ruxpin wars of 1997. Several toy companies attempted to cash in on the fad by creating compatible tapes. The competition escalated into street brawls and eventually into cor the orate gang wars. The City of Industry, CA, was the first city to fall prey to corporate gang violence. To this day, the city remains a wasteland of factories in rubble and charred teddy bears. The U.S. government, in conjecture with the State of California, official declared The City of Industry a No Man’s Land.
tom@clearwatergazette.com
Reals R Us
Totally Naked Commentary
In the second issue I wanted to streamline my drawing. I simplified Totally Naked Man’s hair. I decided to use my computer to draw backgrounds. After this issue I abandoned the idea because it looks horrible
The Invitation
Tryouts
Totally Naked Commentary
So, Pie-Man again. It is unfair for me anymore to ridicule the person this is based on. I’ve learned a lot about different types of people and how they think
The issue is that exclusivity for any outing or group is considered bad. This creates an alternate group of rejects with a common enemy. When I created The Alternates as a team, it was a collection of rejects. When the Heroes Network (an incel superhero forum) was created, it was all rejects. I thought the other groups were on the wrong path, which was why I created The Alternates. I wanted to do better. Some groups do not. Some people have good intentions, others do not. Skyman latched on to those who gave him the time of day. Sometimes he’d betray people for more popular people. I thought that this was a deep character flaw. Now I realize it was fear of rejection. Skyman needed community. Community shifts and so did Skyman. It was vital for him to be liked. I can relate. I loved to be liked.
I think I’ve been too hard on Skyman. I feel terrible for him.
Pepper Gold: Hero Of Ages
Totally Naked Commentary
This story was based on my encounter with Seattle’s Real-Life Superhero, Phoenix Jones. I had a terrible run in with him. I could have gotten over a lot of his bluster, but Phoenix Jones harassed the homeless on patrol. That was one of my biggest no no. I had an argument with Jones, and he wanted to fight me. Makes sense. He was a fighter and people solved things with their fist. I thought it was dumb and walked away.
I am not mad with Phoenix Jones. I was more mad at the the cavalcade of people who followed him. There were people I legitimately thought could see through his grift but didn’t. Those people only saw the outlandishness and bravado Phoenix Jones bought. So they hitched their wagon to Jones and lost.
The RLSH community was a popularity contest. It bothered me that I didn’t do enough to change a culture. I couldn’t. The community had some active people who did actual things. But there was a crap ton of incels. Phoenix Jones represented, to me, that style was more important than fundamentals in a niche culture.
Also, Rich Johnson of Bleeding Cool is a dickhead. The Wall Street Journal can go to hell too.
Zetaman Of Rose City
Satanman
Real Life Satanman
Superhero The Superhero
Double D
Call The Police From A Safe Distance Man
Bow Down To The King
Know Your Role
Delicious
Pepper Spray
What Would Rightguy Do
The Challenge
Beer Run
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Internet Of The Universe
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The Real Life Superhero Project
NU52 Rightguy Vs. The Forest Animals Pt. 1
NU52 Rightguy Vs. The Forest Animals Pt. 2
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The Choice
The Fundraiser
Tolkian the Warrior Angel
Superhero Trials
By Sexton Hardcastle
ROSE CITY- Pepper Gold, world’s greatest superhero, will be holding trials for superheroes to join The superhero squad of superheroes movement. “ALL SUPERHEROES MUST BE APPROVED BY PEPPER GOLD,” yelled Pepper Gold. “ HOW ELSE IS THE PUBLIC GOING TO TRUST SUPERHEROES IF THEY DO NOT HAVE THE PEPPER GOLD STAMP OF APPROVAL?”
Pepper Gold is generously lending his approval to sanction superheroes to build trust in our nation’s defenders. Each potential member has to go through a rigorous Q and A session with Pepper Gold.
Afterwards, each member will be required to pay dues to maintain their membership status. The membership dues are used to pay for crime fighting equipment and body armor. Although current members have yet to see the money spent on the team, Pepper Gold assures them (and the media) that “ALL OF THE MONEY HAS BEEN INVESTED WISELY. THE BODY ARMOR AND NEW GEAR IS JUST TAKING A BIT BE CONSTRUCTED.”
Pepper Gold Fights Giant and Wins
By Sheila Teafeathers
ROSE CITY- In a very daring and heroic display of heroism, Pepper Gold fought off a monstrous giant intent on destroying Rose City. “I FOUGHT HIM OFF WITH PEPPER SPRAY,” proclaims the leader of The Super Squad of Superheroes Movement. “IT WAS VERY HARD, BUT THE GIANT RAN AWAY.”
Earlier that day, Pepper Gold held tryouts for potential superheroes to join The Super Squad of Superheroes in a downtown club. The giant interrupted the tryouts. The Rose Cityian ask Pepper Gold if any of the superheroes that tried out made the cut. Pepper Gold said that, “NONE OF THE LOSER SUPERHEROES HAVE THE GUTS NOR THE PHYSICAL POWERS TO JOIN MY TEAM. ALL SUPERHEROES EITHER HATE ME OR ARE SUCKERS.”
When the giant landed, Pepper Gold immediately ran to the epicenter of the landing and delivered what can only be called “A HOLY DISPLAY OF PEPPER POWER!” Afterwards, the giant was found comatose in Oxhead Park the next day.
One witness, Pie-man, was quoted to say, “Golly, Pepper Gold is my hero! He clearly was the only REAL superhero that stopped that giant guy. I want to be like him in every way… IN EVERY WAY!.”
The national team of Real Life Superheroes showed up a day later. They decline to comment on the event.
Enter Extremely Conservative Woman
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Introducing Holly Wood
Caped crusaders act as superheroes for homeless
A couple of people did not take Labor Day off: a caped crusader and his green-armored pal.
They are two middle-aged men from Cherry City, Oregon, dressed in superhero outfits.
But despite their silly getups, their mission is serious.
The heroes are known as Hazmat and The REV.
The two have been playing superheroes to Rose City’s homeless population for about a year.
The citizen crusaders do their rounds a couple of times a month, arming themselves with sandwiches and socks to give to those in need.
They work it in between jobs in security and construction and taking care of their own families. Most of the items they distribute are paid for out of pocket.
Vega Bond
The Kidnapping
Disappearing Act
Leaving On A Jet Plane
No Hope
The Fate Of Holly Wood
Holly Wood Space Diva
Love Is A Battlefield
Vanity
