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By Pepper Gold

Pepper Gold is the first crime-fighting superhero in the world. He is also the leader of the Superhero Squad of Superheroes Movement in Emerald City.

IM NOT SURE HOW MANY OF YOU KNOW THE RANKING SYSTEM OF THE SSSM.

BUT WHEN YOU FIRST JOIN YOU ARE NAMED ( insert favorite color and your last name is OfEmeraldCity) THESE ROOKIES ARE NOT
ALLOWED TO CARRY WEAPONS OR DIRECTLY INTERACT WITH VIOLENT SUSPECTS.

THIS WHOLE PROCESS CAN TAKE MONTHS.

WE LOOK FORWARD TO WORKING WITH YOU AND WOULD LIKE TO WELCOME YOU TO THE TEAM.

NOW SOMETHING I THOUGHT I WOULD NEVER DO.

TO BECOME A FULL MEMBER OF THE SUPERHERO SQUAD OF SUPERHEROES MOVEMENT YOU MUST.

COMPLETE ALL COLOR REQUIREMENTS LISTED ABOVE.

YOU MUST BE ABLE TO RUN 2.6 MILES IN FULL GEAR IN UNDER. 25min

YOU MUST HAVE PATROLLED WITH US FOR A YEAR OR 100 PATROLS.

YOU MUST NOT HAVE BEEN A MEMBER OF ANY OTHER SUPERHERO GROUP NOT IN GOOD STANDING WITH THE SSSM.

YOU MUST SAY 50 HAIL PEPPER GOLD’S

YOU MUST PAY PEPPER GOLD A DEPOSIT OF $250 DOLLARS.

YOU MUST BE A HOT CHICK OR A UGLY GUY.

AFTER A LONG DELIBERATION, THE VOTE WAS UNANIMOUS NOT TO CHANGE THE RULE ABOUT NOT LETTING FORMER MEMBERS OF OTHER SUPERHERO GROUPS GAIN FULL SSSM SATUS ( you can’t be fired from our group with out a unanimous vote and you get a vote in all team related matters )

PEPPER GOLD

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photo of burning house

By Jim Chimichangas

ROSE CITY – Firefighters were called to Widmer Brothers Brewery Thursday night after reports of a major explosion.

It happened just before 10:30 p.m. at the brewing facility located at 929 on N Russell near Interstate Ave.

Crews arrived to find an experimental beer tank had exploded, which tore open part of an outer wall of the building.

Several people were hurt in the accident, and some were horribly mutated by the craft beer. Investigators haven’t said yet what may have caused the explosion. Brewery officials did not immediately respond to a request for comment.

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a sign that is lit up in the dark

By Snarky McSnarkmaster

Heroes and Heroines,

It is that time of year to celebrate our Nation’s sense of apathy. That’s right! It’s Day. All real-life superheroes don their special outfits with care in hopes of catching that special criminal that will make them famous. The ancient holy Watchmen scriptures discussed in great detail how one tragic event changed the life-course of Walter Joseph Kovacs (a well-adjusted seamstress). After reading about Kitty Genovese in a newspaper (which totally didn’t exaggerate the story for profit), Mr. Kovacs stole several reams of fabric to create the very outfit he uses to fight crime.

The Holy Watchmen scriptures were divinely inspired by Alan Moore, famed writer, and wizard. Mr. Moore wrote Watchmen as the living word and life guide. He was truly moved by the Holy Spirit of Doctor Osterman. In fact, Mr. Moore enjoys answering questions about how every comic character is divinely inspired rather than created by men.

Real Life Superheroes everywhere celebrates Walter Kovacs’ act of righteous indignation by roaming the streets to fight apathy. Everyone who is not an RLSH in America has apathy. This is why it is important to spread the Good News vigilantism. The Bystander Effect is very real in American and needs to be brought to light by black-clad costumed crusaders looking for a fight.

So don your green bandanas and cowboy hats and get out there on the streets, heroes. Apathy is the reason for the season

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By Milla Meowmix

CHERRY CITY– Local hero and corn chip enthusiast, Hazmat, was hit and killed by a Hazardous Materials truck Monday while jaywalking.

The accident happened around 10:30 a.m. near SE Ferry St. and NE Liberty St.

Hazmat died at the scene, police said in a news release. The semi-truck driver stayed at the scene and cooperated with investigators.

Hazmat is one half of the Cherry City Costume Crusaders. His partner, The Rev, could not be reached at the time of the accident.

Hazmat is survived by his wife, Nightingale, and their son, Oxidizer 5.1.

The semi-truck driver stayed at the scene and cooperated with investigators.

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ROSE CITY, USA. – A bold heist was caught on camera at a local jewelry store and police hope the security video will lead them to the crook.

The theft happened just before 2 p.m. Monday at Margulis Jewelers on Broadway in Rose City. The manager had left for coffee, leaving a female clerk alone in the store, and that’s when a bold masked robber went to work. A man walked into the jewellery store and asked the clerk to see a necklace in a window display at the front of the store.

“He said he loved one of the necklaces that were in the window and asked to see it,” said Joan Durham, the clerk. “He says ‘can you show it to me – I just want to see how much the damage is going to be.’ “

But when Durham went to get the necklace, the masked man jumped over the counter towards the back of the store where a visible safe was open and grabbed a bag with $1,500,000 worth of diamonds in it. He then sprinted out of the store before Durham could do anything. The whole thing happened in just seconds and the guy was gone.

“My heart was pounding for quite some time because I was so angry and I had a lot of adrenaline rushing through me,” Durham said. “I wanted to go get him.”

“This person clearly knew what they were doing and what they were looking for,” said Det. William Rail with the Rose City Police Department.

The suspect is described as a white male between 40 and 50 years old, who is about 6 feet tall and weighs around 260 pounds. He was wearing a purple shirt, orange gloves, blue khaki jeans and yellow skull mask with orange hood. If you recognize him or have other information that could help in the case, call the police.